My definition of friendship, has changed.
& should I change? No, not at all.
The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hey there, Buddy! How's it going? I genuinely hope you're doing well. If not, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you for good health and all-around well-being.
I'm reaching out as your friend from The Lesson, and I've been pondering a topic that's been on my mind—broken friendships. Life has its twists and turns, and relationships, no matter how strong, sometimes face challenges. It's a part of the human experience that we all navigate through at some point.
I used to think that everyone was nice, kind, and just fine. I adopted this definition at the level of friendship, with more glitter, if I let them into the closest layer of me and so do they. Well, it doesn't work that way. I regret my principle and decided to find the answer to this suffocated situation. On the evening when I was ready to call my friend, I ended up feeling betrayed upon reading her message about her latest condition; her stress level rose because of her overthinking. Why on earth couldn't I sense that condition? Did she never let me into her life, even though I've let her so far into mine? Am I just a guest in her life? Am I the bee who only wants the honey without giving the best for the flower in return?
I have nothing to say; I have no words to describe that feeling. And in the blink of time, I started to think that "I'm a bit too much about this. It's her right to tell her story to whoever she wants; it doesn't mean it has to be me." But, you know, it still feels like a betrayal. Why did she never let me know about that? How can I help her, yet she never gives me the sign to help her? No, for sure, I can't detect the sign of SOS without any real sign. I can't just know it through the sound of the voice or the bitterness in the face. I'm not a psychologist, by the way. I spent that beautiful evening just assuming her message, even though that message wasn't directly sent to me.
I decide to tell this to someone older or probably wiser than me. I gotta go.
I ran to my brother, who I assumed has the answer to this crappy situation. He's not like any brother I've ever met in my life, who seems to have lots of words to say and ends up saying a quote, or he doesn't act like the one, no. He has a humor that I can find only in him. He offered me bread and iced lemon tea, which is my favorite order in every coffee shop.
“How does that happen? Isn't it more adventurous to be a frank person to your friends?” I asked him with this gulped face. “I don't know; it's your friend’s choice. Why does it bother you a lot?”
“Sometimes, it hurts me when a person I value so much in life won't tell me the juiciest part of their life. Have you ever felt that way?”
I asked him with a sincere voice. “I do. It's because they have this private life which they can't tell you. They have shared a lot of things which they assume are a lot to share with someone. You just got your portion as her friend in her eyes. It's hard to rethink this, but that's the harsh truth of having a relationship with any human. There's no one-size-fits-all rules for friendship, sister.”
“You're just telling me the truth and fact which I don't like.” I sighed in pain. “And, how should friends help us when they don't give us that access?”
“You have helped her in a way she wanted. The traffic lights are there to reduce accidents, but not necessarily to cancel them. It just works the same with friendship, especially yours. Your presence has reduced her pain over the course of her life, but your act probably won't heal her pain. She decided that; you can give her a lot of space, but it's her choice to come in or not. You might give her tons of love as a friend, but it's her choice to receive it or not. It also works the same with her decision to not tell you every scar and pain she bears right now. And it's your choice to receive that or not.”
I sipped my iced lemon tea. “I can't handle that.”
“I know. Your pure heart to help someone is just too good for this naive and broken world. You have to change a little bit of that principle. It takes time to learn that. But, that's just what we should learn.”
“At least, for the ambiguity of life, should friends help us in times of down. As the expert says, find someone with whom you can share the good and the bad news.” I should tell him more research I find about this condition.
“And you have to find somebody else. She might be the right person to tell your good news, but not your bad news. It sounds kind of unfair, but I think that's a public secret. No one knows who is the loyal one. Don't put high expectations on things; you'll feel betrayed eventually. We're human with tons of secrets in our minds, so please, take that pill.” Oh, man. He knows too much, and now he's being the person who has swallowed many pills in his life.
“It sounds too hard to listen to, but I have to take the hard pill. Oh, man, it's just too hard to experience another broken friendship. Not necessarily broken, but I've just lost some hope to make a lifetime friendship with her.”
“Yourself is your lifetime friend; be good to yourself. Loneliness isn't a curse as a human; it's a time to sharpen our skills, talk with our minds, regulate our own emotions, and accept our dumb heads, and all these flaws. Soon, you're gonna love yourself more than any other species.” He answered me again, but this time with a soft tone, knowing that my stubborn head would always have other words to fight him back.
“You're not telling me to be apathetic, right?” We laughed together. I may be slow to learn about this stuff, but I have learned a lot about human needs and that it's okay to be an imperfect friend. That it's okay not to tell your stories to a certain person. That it's okay to keep all your stories to yourself. That it's okay to open a wide space for your friends and let them in. That it's okay to only have a person you can share good stories with, not the bad ones. But, it doesn't okay if you put too much expectation on someone, especially your friends.
If you have a guy problem, financial problem, parents problem, and many more, you can come to the person you think is the right one. But, don't put too much expectation on their answer. If you want the exact answer as you wish, then communicate it first to that person. Don’t be a fool who wishes them to read your mind.
In the end, I want to say, be a good friend in a world full of arguments and fake people.
That’s a wrap for today, thank you for reading. If you find this article interesting, please share this with your best friends, your partner, or other important person in your life.