Let go and see what you are capable of
Happy Passover, dear my Christian family wherever you are.
Don’t be fooled: ‘Bad friends will ruin good habits. 1 Corinthians 15: 33 (ERV)
May God always put His eyes on us and gives us His mercy. In Buha Buha Ijuk worship today, I wanna share to you the verse that got my eyes caught and can’t stop thinking about it. 1 Corinthians 15: 33 (ERV), -Don’t be fooled: ‘Bad friends will ruin good habits.’- Amin.
Today marks as the last day of March 2024, I feel so much gratitude in my heart. It’s only by his grace that I can celebrate Passover day and Holy Week in my hometown. It has been a full year since I arrived back in my hometown year ago, and there’re lots of things that have been happened. Those bad and good things are from God and I know, that will produced good things in my life. I can’t count how many tearful nights, non-stop grumpy moments, and ungrateful seasons I’ve had with God, but up to this moment, I realize that He has never left me alone, no, never.
First, agony
Speaking of tearful nights, I want to share some thoughts I’ve recently had. What was the hardest agony you have encountered? I’ll go first, let me share mine.
For years, I held on to things in my own bucket list, I would say, as a hope for the future. Turns out, it’s not only about the hope I have but also the worries in my heart. I'm afraid to go abroad or even to other city and left my parent in my house alone. I wouldn't let my dad feel alone in this big house, nope.
However, that quote-unquote beautiful hope for family became a boomerang to me. I've never felt so betrayed before. It hurts so much because the price of not leaving my dad alone in this house would be burying my dreams in the darkest valley. I cried a lot, here's why I cried a lot.
I concluded that I only have two options/choices. Which were:
Stay with my dad and buried my dream in the graveyard I dug.
Leave my dad and become an estranged daughter, an unfaithful child, and the worst, “How dare you left your dad while he has done everything for you?”
I still remember vividly, on a beautiful afternoon when I was doing dishes, I screamed out loud. And, no one actually realized it, hopefully. Another agony I encountered was in my worship time in the middle of the night. I lost the rhythm to my breath in that night, I asked God on things I faced. I asked His justice over His creatures and His word of ‘not play favoritism in this world.’
“Of course, You play favoritism. If not, why is it so hard for you to give what I need right now? Oh yes, who does want work with me? I'm just a foolish girl with this attitude.” I kept crying in that moment. Right after that, I was able to sleep, a deep sleep to be frank.
I hardly saw the good thing right after that moment, but one thing for sure, I was experiencing something beyond my capability to comprehend. I no longer struggle to choose those two options. It just burst into the air and it never caught my attention anymore. I was able to say that whatever happens in my family, I believe that God will protect each one of us. I’m nobody in this world, and thus I can’t protect anyone, not even my dad and my family. God himself took that big thorn from my flesh and elevated my trust in Him.
Soon after I realized that, I began to release and let go of my bucket lists. I began to surrender each dream I possessed, the ambition that held my attention, and start to re-create the definition of goals and how to achieve it. And, to be honest, the first thing that came into my mind was not create any plans anymore. Yes, I stop creating plans or any plans relate to my worldly ambitions. From the most well-planned person, to being open to whatever comes my way. This path is, actually, nerve-wrecking, it never crossed my mind to find this type of road. Yet, I still don’t see my prayers answered, it feels so gray but with hope.
But, the attitude and the mindset I have slightly changes little by little. I embrace every ‘no’ with the chance of getting another opportunity, every broken friendship as a sign to nurture my relationship more, every ‘failure’ in business as a sign to embrace another way, and every ‘bitter’ moments in work as a sign to work more on my perspective about workplace.
“An open mind” is being installed little by little in my daily life. This term may sound so cliche, but it’s truly helpful and life-changing for me. I’m able to open my arms for anyone and anything. It doesn’t mean I cross my boundaries, it allows me to dig deeper my own definition of boundaries eventually. My prayer in these days is that God, please, align my heart and my mind to Your will.
There is a lot more to experience, but for now, I’m grateful for things I can experience and have. So, if you’re like me who bonded a lot with certain situation or plans, little by little, let them go. Just let them go, and see what you’re capable of.
Second, don’t chase, attract
what is the sign of value in human? We can sense it, they radiate a different vibes or atmosphere. I believe that a person who has value, they can attract something/someone without them chasing.
This is too naive, there's no way we don't have to chase something and just pretend that we can attract it. But this guy told a different story, not necessary gave a statement about this potential lesson. I met him few times, surely I can't conclude his personality based on those meetings but our last meeting told a different thing. He told me a story of his big project few years ago, he traveled across the region and talked with more than 100+ persons within a year and a half. His dedication to his self-project is truly admirable and undeniably worth of the conversation. Eventually, he didn't want to share any raw materials from his finding which is fine.
What's the point of sharing his story?
Through his dedication, determination at work, how he talked about his vision with humbleness rather than make it fancy, and the tender in his voice; I can see that this man has a value. He doesn't have to explain his values or his personality. He simply practices the old advice, “don't chase, attract.” I don't think it relates to his achievements or his great work, no. I kinda see it as characters, as a set of skills. The more you are sharpened into certain characters, the more it shines through you.
The people around you will sense and notice the light you shines; that's how you spread the message of yourself. So, don't drain yourself chasing something without you developing certain foundation skills in your soul.
third, how’s life?
there’s a moment where all I want is a short meeting with my old friend, shaking their hands, and smiling to see the struggle they have been through. it’s funny to see how time flies so fast that it doesn’t give me a chance to breath and enjoy some rare moments. no one could ever grasp the short lifespan a human can experience, and one’s has to go deeper to find the meaning of all the passed seconds. if life can bring a fruitful and joyful moment, what about death? why do we mourn over someone who will not experience pain again? why don’t we just laugh and cherish them for the things they did in life?
the door has opened, but still, his name echoes in my heart. in the world full of noise, he whispered something annoying in my ear. which sometimes, I feel grateful for his being and his presence. in the last day of someone’s life, how could they hide their feeling for the sake of being happy and avoid the crowded feel the agony for their pain? it’s just cruel and evil and selfish. if love and respect were a currency for long last relationship for you, then where was the honest? I thought honesty is the foundation of love and respect.
I saw you cried last night in pain, I wish I could take all your pain but no I can’t. And now, I cry for you, in double-pain. you left the gate without saying good bye and still, you refused to turn around. it’s my tragedy to hold all of these pain, that no one could ever said ‘i wish i could take all your pain.’
You are happy now, and I must find a reason to be happy now. good for you.
Well, you’ve reached the end of the story today.
That’s a wrap for today, thank you for reading. If you find this article interesting, please share this with your best friends, your partner, or other important person in your life.
Regards,
Melva Bintang