Hii… Hope you’re feeling good today. It’s my first writing in 2025 and yeah the battle to keep up the busy day with the love of writing is a real struggle buddy. I hope I can win this battle yuhuu.
Today’s story is about a man, who wants love but can’t afford it.
I met a guy a year ago, he was nice and has a good opinion on things we discussed. I had a really good time during those days, I enjoyed it as much as I could because I was craving intellectual stimulation all the time and there were moments when the conversation was the best way to stimulate my brain. I didn’t want to appear as a dumb person, so I did some research on every topic. He was way older than I am, today. Those were the validation for the long statement, “Older man is preferred.”
If you thought that we both had a good time, no we didn’t. I just enjoyed the conversation but I hate to remember how the conversation was built. It was me all the time who tried to ignite the spark in the relationship. It was mentally drained for me as a woman.
I mean, if I only searched for intellectual stimulation then I could go to the passive learning I used to do. But I was wrong, I’m just a girl, I was looking for love. And this man came into my life without notification, I was happy for once. Dry text after dry text, ah we had a good conversation on the phone.
Should I validate that the older man has a dry text, sometimes brings jokes we can understand, but has tons of advice to share with us?
Until one day, he refused to talk about one important thing, the bible. I asked a brother of mine about that, and he emphasized that man can learn many things in the world, but to refuse to read the bible is a disaster. I believed in my brother one hundred percent. So, after that, I took a step back, 2 steps to 3 steps. I was silently changed, from craving conversation to slowly saying no to his requests on everything.
I didn’t want drama, I didn’t even want to give fake hope play the dice, or throw bad pebbles into someone’s step. It was up in the air for him, but not for me. I never asked for help again, because if I did, he was never there to help. He would give me another alternative which I didn’t want at all. When he asked me out, I refused it by saying how important my other schedule was.
Was all the conversation I craved need to be paid like a beggar? Ah, I’m just a girl.
Slowly but surely, he lost all the effort I used to bring to the table. Because he never paid all the effort or even put in the same effort, I rarely noticed what he could bring to the table. He was the type of man that loved to be chased and I am a very conservative woman to the bone. Once we had a short conversation on chocolate, and he said, “In today’s age, it’s fine for the woman to chase the man they like.” I slightly agree with that statement, yet in my small brain, he was about to say -a woman should be a chaser like a man.- Hell no. We, women, have our own way of chasing what we like, in an elegant way not that kind of way.
And one statement crossed my mind, -did he think that I like him a lot?- ah, I gave a totally wrong signal to this man, I was so pitiful and refused to think about that. Like, how did he think that way? It was true that I was looking for him, but at the end of the day, I didn’t find any love in him, and that was why the thing I wanted was just an intellectual conversation. Ah, I’m sorry because I was so stupid and I just don’t know what I want in the first place.
I didn’t say any goodbye or even explain why I became so strange. Because for what? He wouldn’t need that for the sake of hell. Just keep your masculinity for you alone. One day, he posted a story that broadly captured how he lost a love because he was being respectful on her decision. What a stroke my brain was -you just lost a love you never chased-. I stopped every endeavour to ignite our conversation since then, and I was so sure that he was not a man meant for me because I didn’t want to be mentally drained in communication or anything related to that. I’m saving my future.
So, that was the man who never actually expressed love but thought he lost the love. Anyway, the whole story was an imaginary picture in my mind, nothing was real here.
That’s it. Appreciate you reading.